BROWN: Deconstructing Einstein

I suspected when we adopted our golden retriever, Einstein, he would be like the other two retrievers we’d had.

You know; friendly, obedient, happy-to-see-us, misguided lap dogs that could never pass a cozy looking piece of upholstered furniture without giving it a sit test.

I partially was right.

Einstein is friendly. He’s so friendly I have no doubt if we are ever burgled he’ll lead the guy in the ski mask right to my purse.

He also has obedient days, not consistently, but often enough to renew our hope.

And, he has days when he is happy to see us.

He also has days when he turns his back on us and pretends we’re not invading his personal space.

We call this his pout. Very seldom are we privy to the reason why he’s in a pout unless we’ve knowingly done something that has previously sent him into bottom-lip-hanging-out mode.

A couple of days ago we went up to Olathe to get our baby-fix for the week.

We came home smelling like sweet new baby, Jack Russell terrier and St. Bernard.

After one sniff, Einstein went to our bedroom, balled up the throw rug beside the bed, positioned himself with his back to the door and put his head under the bed.

He pouted until someone opened the refrigerator door.

A pout has never lasted long enough for him to actually miss a meal, which is why we’re either going to have to put old Einstein on a d-i-e-t or have him equipped with a back-up warning signal and a wide-load sign.

He’s not allowed in the kitchen when we’re cooking but he doesn’t consider that to be a problem. He’s figured out that whatever is on top of the stove eventually is going to end up on the breakfast bar, so he sprawls against one, or sometimes both of the bar stools.

Since the Big Guy has to move the dog to sit at the breakfast bar, this position has proven very efficient for Einstein when he accidentally falls asleep waiting for the cooking to be done.

My sister has trained her dogs to eat baby carrots for treats; very healthy and calorie friendly for lazy dogs.

Einstein wouldn’t eat a carrot, adult or baby, if that was the only thing we offered him for a week.

He also won’t eat anything green.

After a hearty winter dinner of oven roasted beef, potatoes, carrots and green beans, the Big Guy scraped the meager leavings off both our plates and offered it to a salivating Einstein.

The dog licked the plate until I was sure he would lick the pattern off and then finally backed up and sat down.

He’d eaten every morsel that wasn’t a carrot or green bean; those he left on the plate.

He’s recently adopted the master bath as his “office.” At least we think that’s what he’s doing.

Our home office is just outside the bathroom. When one of us goes in the office to write or work, Einstein goes in his “office” to watch us.

First he balls the throw rugs into a comfortable nest then he lies there and stares at us.

I guess maybe he’s figured out that what we do in the office somehow results in our continuing ability to buy people food, dog treats and kibble.

I suspect he watches us just to make sure neither one of us is slacking off.

Did I mention he never gets on the furniture?

Linda Brown is marketing director for The Ottawa Herald. E-mail her at lbrown@ottawaherald.com.